to forgive & forget.

so today was that day. the day ive been waiting on for so long. this is a touchy subject so hopefully i can get through this without shedding a few tears. i was woken up around four o'clock pm by my sister. she's holding a phone & there's this voice on the other end. that voice being my father. pretty much i was speechless. at the same time though i seen it coming.

let me back track for a second. earlier this week. . . maybe even last weekend - my only brother, who's 25, somehow got in contact with one of my sisters. ive never talked to him before & neither has any of my sisters. ive only seen one picture of him when he was about seven or so when i was younger. so i knew of him but didnt "know" him. my sister told me they talked. he pretty much told her all about him & wanted to know what was going on in our lives. we share the same dad. him, me, my twin sisters & my youngest sister. but unlike us - our father has been in his life. . . all his life. so yeah, him & my sister were talking back & forth for like two or three days.

crazy, right?

well today my sister comes in my room, wakes me up (phones on speaker) & tells me our "dad" is on the phone. first thought that goes through my mind was literally WHAT THE FUCK. i'm listening while they talk. it was so eerie because. . . he never forgot about us like we figured he did. he went on about how he hasnt forgotten our birthdays & there wasnt a day that went by when he didnt think about us. how he fought for us. how he knew that one day; we'd reunite. fuckit i'm just gonna be real & pretty much lay everything out there. its to the point where. . . the shit that he did doesnt hurt as much when spoken on. because i'm over it. he molested me & my sisters & was abusive to my mother. like on some ike & tina turner type shit. and i was maybe one or two. so thank god i dont remember any of it. what hurts the most though. TIL THIS DAY, he still denies everything. it eats me up inside & pisses me off that he's calling my mom a liar. because thats what he's doing by denying it. & to be honest i'm really torn. i know my mom wouldnt lie about that. something so serious & whats been my truth. . . all my life. now its like i'm confused. does he really deserve a second chance? lol he still calls me squirrel which was my nickname when i was younger. fuck, hereeee come the tears.

as we talked to him i could see the awkwardness, fear & anger in my mom's face. it wasnt the first time i heard his voice either. the first time was back in 2004. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE GOT OUR NUMBER. but out of the blue one day he calls us. cant remember too much about it but alls i know is him & my mom got into this BIG ass argument. her yelling "you know what you did." him calling her a liar. just crazy shit. he's trying so hard to make-up for the years he lost. claiming its not his fault. i just wish he would stop putting blame on the next person & be a man. . . fess up to the shit he did. he knows it was wrong. & so do we. i just, idk. i guess i need validation. i need to know that he's sorry. but i doubt that will ever happen. he was a real fucked up guy then. it sucks but no matter how much i denied him throughout the years. . . he is my father. always has been always will be.

& this is really getting to me. because a part of me genuinely. . . wants to love him. like is it really possible to forgive someone after all the confusion & hurt they've put you through? at the same time, i feel kinda complete with almost all my questions answered. he's talking about flying us up there to visit. & giving us the world. so cliche lol. dunno tho supposedly he has all this money. i dont hate him though. . . by any means.

just dont know where to go from here.