so hard.

this will probably be a lengthy blog but, i called myself blocking my ex out of my life like not even ten minutes ago. we pretty much got into it over the phone last night. i wont get into too much detail about everything thats been going on but i will say, this shit hasnt been easy. not even from day one. there were always problems that he 100% could have prevented. but chose not to for his own selfish reasons. at first, i wasnt even going to 'block' him. only reason i did is becus i'm the type to wait for someone to hit me up. i'll cut you off then as soon as you walk back into my life everything's peaches & cream. but i refuse to do that shit. at this point i want to rid myself of him, period. plus he's starting to do little shit to piss me off. which is a big inclination that i need to throw a red flag. were not even together though. havent been for months yet i still love him & little shit continues to make me mad. eventually i could get over it but its how he treats me when i have that mind set. like he's still pulling me back, leading me on, etc. & he'll be mad if i talked to someone else. so are we really just friends you know? i just need to be over him & THEN try being his friend.

i'll admit though i started it. like i still feel the need to make him jealous. & thats not the type of relationship i want. where i have to make you jealous to get some type of reaction out of you. ANY REACTION. i absolutely hate it. its so fucking sad. like i dont wanna be reduced to that. why does the man i love have to act that way towards me? its bullshit. i seriously need to rid myself of him. i just. . . dont wanna lose him. as much as i dread saying that its true. cus i really do love him. & we do have a good thing. outside of the arguments & the other guys/girls in the picture. which initially is the reason for the arguments. it fucking sucks cus he wants to do him right now & its basically like. . . where does that leave me? on the back burner, right? fuck outta here yo. i can not wait on him. as much as my hearts telling me to i can not do it. which makes it clear that i'm NOT okay with just being his "friend". because shit that he does wouldn't matter to me if that was the case. and guys will be guys. because of what we USED to have. . . the feelings are still going to linger regardless. he's still gonna act all pissy when i talk to other people just like i act that way with him. i know this. but there is absolutely nothing i can do to stop it. i just need time without talking to him because that way i can move on. because if not, it will continue to cause other problems & deep rooted issues along with unwanted insecurities.

'cept i keep giving in & answering his phone calls, blocking him, then answering his calls. shit will never end. i keep this up & i wont get anywhere other than where i am right now. at this. . . fucking. . . second.

but yo you really do not understand the type of dude he is. i seriously thought i had them all figured out. NO SIR. see i'm the type of girl that needs validation. especially if i'm telling you how i feel. or even when i'm not. but him? he's the type of dude that has a huge wall up for absolutely no reason. so he refuses to express how he's feeling. well no he has reason. . .
just not with me.

in the end though i know the only reason why im settling for a friendship is because i know i need out. i just dont wanna lose him. now imagine how hard it is to actually come to terms with the fact that i HAVE to bounce. . . and actually doing it? fucking heartbreaker. but i know shit will be sooooo much better when that happens. i think the two of us are just USED to each other, so we get annoyed easily. the things he does get to me, and the things i do get to him. with time apart it gives us both the chance to really think about what we MISS. time is the BEST medicine, fuck what you heard. time is the only thing that really HEALS.

but ugh i'm trying so hard to avoid what it really is i need to do. & thats move on from him. i talk a lot of shit but deep down, its so hard. i keep trying to hold onto something that in all honesty - is no longer there. out of fear of losing what WAS there at one point. i know if i continue to stick around though, i'll only be screwing myself out of happiness. i'm in such a vulnerable position right now that its sickening. if he said he wanted to be with me. . . i'd without a doubt take it. or if he said he didn't wanna talk to me anymore. . . i'd bounce. he's got advantage over the situation and that's what time will help CHANGE. & thats my biggest problem. he got me so fucked mentally to the point where i dont know whats right or wrong anymore. what to take & what not to take. i just have to remember time is really all i need at this point. and that if things are meant to happen the way i want them to. . . they will. without force. with time.

alright i'm done sounding like a whiny ass bitch.
until next time. . . thanks for reading.