Girl, disturbed.

i'm back, sort of.

2009-07-01T18:13:00.004-05:00

Been gone forever seems like. I'm rarely here for updates anymore. Twitter has pretty much abducted me (twitter.com/vexxedmentals) So I guess you could keep in touch with me there. Idk not much has been going on with me though. Working for the most part, same shit basically. Roxy's getting big as all hell. She's like 4lbs now. Heh. I made a few videos of her - actually a lot of videos. Don't feel like posting or uploading them. Unless someone asks, whatever. That's um. . . about it lol. Bye?

Random pic to leave you with.

quick blog.

2009-05-16T11:33:00.005-05:00

So last night was my sister's high school graduation. How time flies, right? Even though we showed up late; it was well worth having to stand (lucked up & there were no more seats) in one spot wearing 4-inch heels for close to an hour, to see her walk across the stage. And let me tell you, there had to be some drama. My oldest sister, her sister on her dad's side, her new baby, my cousin, HER two kids, her mom (whom we haven't seen in months) came. Drove two hours for the occasion. And last but not least my grandmother showed. She pretty much never came over to say hi because of my dad. Not gonna go on a tangent about why but I mentioned everything that happened revolving around my dad in previous posts. Needless to say she's stuck in her ways & she wanted nothing to do with him. Rude to say the least. But that was juuust fine. I brought Roxy, & got sooo many 'awws' & stares. It was cute. Anyways after they left. . . me, my three sisters, mom & dad, and nieces & nephew went to Ol' Charleys. Had to drop Roxy off at home. Locked her in my room with food & water. We were originally going to go to TGIF Fridays which later turned to Chillis & finally like I said, Ol' Charleys due to them all being PACKED. It was cool because I had the most delectable sweet potato fries, a ceasar salad, three cheese burger & to top all that shit off, a cinnamon roll shake. My eyes justifiably. . . are bigger than my stomach. I went home with two togo boxes lol. Went home & ended the night with shit/piss all over my room with some sore ass feet. Awesome.

No pictures (gay, I know) because well, it was hot as shit & I didn't feel like being the token photographer that night. Even though everyone expected it. Just wanted to chill & enjoy myself like everybody else. And that's about all I suppose. Back to my movie & left-overs. Watching 'Serial Mom' with Roxy, classic.

roxilla.

2009-05-11T09:39:00.016-05:00

Planned on blogging sooner, but as always I've been busy. We've settled into our new house. So for the most part everything's been pretty good. My dad moved in with us as well (which is where all the "drama" I referred to in my last post stems.) But I don't wanna get into any of that right now. This blog will mainly be a rundown because I leave for work this week in a few hours. Won't be back 'til Thursday. Speaking of which. . . . my bebe came day before Mother's Day. How appropriate, right? Lmao. I named her Roxy with the help of a few friends. Everyone is in love with her bad ass. She's so attached to me it's crazy. Like she has to be in a two feet radius of me to fall asleep. Or should I say spoiled. Yeah, that's the word. I spent a little over 100 dollars on her at Petco yesterday. Got her a baby bed - I mean doggy bed lmao. That she won't even sleep in! Guess I gotta train her for that. She whines at night when I put her in it. Then climbs right out & sits at the foot of my bed, staring. Like I know u gonna pick me up. So for now she sleeps in the bed with me. But yeah, got her some weewee pads, some food along with water/food bowls, etc. A leash, grooming supplies; like clippers, comb & brush, some treats & toys, a clicker for training her. Then this collar.

It's black with a few studs in it. Still a lot of shit I gotta get her. Like a toothbrush, clothes, blankets, a crate for her to shit & piss in. And some shampoo. Maybe even a big 'ol bow to put on her head :)

Didn't feel like taking pics of the other shit, but if anyone cares to see just ask lol. More pics. . . click 'em for the full size. And refrain from saying 'Aww' cause she's clearly a G.

When I say this little bitch is tiny, man. I don't even think she's a pound yet. Don't let the pics fool you. Or the size. . . she's a biter. Hell, my camera's even bigger than her. Which she hates. Everytime I whip it out she runs. . . no literally, she runs.

GR, she was just chewing on my blackberry. The little asshole. Then when she wakes up, from a nap or whatever - all hell breaks loose. She's so fucking playful. And her way of playing is biting toes & fingers. Nothing else. Hoppin' around & shit. I made a video; of her waking me up at six in the morning to play. Licking my face & shit. Then after about ten minutes of playing cat & mouse with my fingers she was tired & went right back to sleep. I'll upload it later lmao. Nonetheless, I wouldn't trade her for the world. It's almost eleven & I leave at two. Have no idea where I'm going. But I'll keep you guys posted & try to update more. Who knows, this might turn into a whole blog about "the life & times" of Roxy. Ha, imagine that. . .

Here's the video.

Keep in mind she does this every time she wakes up & sporadically throughout the day. Even if I'm not in the mood, she just hops around biting at my feet & shit :-/

so clearly.

2009-04-27T18:13:00.013-05:00

I haven't been blogging, mainly because it's impossible to leave a comment on my shit.
Due to me having to downgrade in order to make the codes work.
So making that layout was indeed - pointless.

In the process of making another one, I guess.
I've just been super uninterested in blogging as of late.
Busy schedule amongst other shit I've been doing; as well as the drama.
Can't forget about the drama.

Anyways, after shit is up & running. . .
Then I can get back to updating you.
It's been a minute, hours, weeks, months. Literally.

Plus a lot of shit's coming up that I need to blog on :)
And I'm excited, mhmmz.
Later babies!<3

WAIT - Guess I could give you a little preview of what my next blog will be about. For the most part, I'm in the process of moving right now.

Also in the process of purchasing :

LOVE. Only 650 dollars, too. Definitely lucked up.
So yeah, I'll let you know how everything goes.

this shit is crap.

2009-03-15T19:54:00.006-05:00

Cause I'm editing my layout like now. . . yes, right now.
So go away! :)

Edit - Alright well I'm done for the night. I think.
But the left side of this blog isn't done yet.
The only reason I'm telling you this is becaaause;
I'll be out of town next week. All of next week.
Therefore it will be "under construction" for a few days.

But you can handle that.
I still have to add the "follow blog" code somehow.
Tryna figure out how to copy the link.

Also I can't seem to find where you add comments on this bitch.

Stupid fucking java codes.

by the way.

2009-02-28T20:54:00.007-06:00

BAM BITCH.

didnt i say i was gonna get the 8900? tried to tell yo ass i wasn't bullshitting. me telling you i'm in love with the sumbitch is an understatement. a huge one at that. jae already knows i'm head over heels. especially with this being my very first blackberry. although she really can't say shit on the strength of her being obsessed as well. i've been cuddling up to that sexy, sleek, black, honeydip every night. & will continue to do so. check the smudges! i've def put in work. someone help me come up with a name for it. ;]

as for the cons? i hateee the browser on it. well not really hate, that's a little strong. but it can get annoying at times. super laggy too. & then the fact that it doesnt have 3g. which makes it complicated to watch youtube vids, etc. *SCRATCH THAT. i figured out how to stream youtube videos. i'm so slow ;)* anybody got some tips for me? cause i'm def still learning how to work this thing.

i'm working on a new layout as well. HOLLUR!
eww, i'm super excited for no reason.

bye niggas.

who fucking knew.

2009-02-16T01:43:00.007-06:00

up north would be so cold, OMG. bytehwayz happy belated blahblahgayassmusy day & shit. i just got in from indiana. no joke i'm happy as hell to be home. & it's like 20 fucking degrees outside. it was that cold up there. so yeah me, my sisters, my nieces/nephew & my mom packed up friday & headed out to indiana to see the folks. what was supposed to be a 5 hour drive ended up being a 10 hour drive. who takes the wrong exist to ohio not once - but twice. then we stopped like 20 times for absolutely no reason. but, i cant complain at all. it was a great trip. MY DAD IS THE BEST. like forreal, he had me laughing so hard i had the worst case of gas. . . for hours, fuck him. wish i could've gotten videos but my camera was on some other shit. so i'll post the few pics that i got of him. i mean really, the guy is hilarious. & oh so cool. even had my mom passin' the blunt. PRICELESS. met a few of my fam on his side. i wont even get into that though, whomp. my mom & dad def got it on - i think she's digging him even tho she fronts. oh & everyone's been asking about the job. it's going pretty good i suppose. i have to pack yet again for tomorrow. i'll be going out of town. i must say i've been doing a helluva lot of traveling. hopefully it doesnt wear me down, all that fuckin' sitting. i'll be gone from monday to thursday i believe, staying in a hotel. with nothing to do because i dont have a phone or any means of entertainment. SIDE NOTE - i did not, i repeat did not, get the blackberry bold. but i will be getting the blackberry curve 8900 with t-mobile which i heard came out on the 13th? wish i knew cause it wouldve def been copped by now. UGH. could've sworn that shit drops on the 18th. now i have to wait until next weekend. okay anyways. everyone at work is pretty cool. & obviously think the same of me. seriously every black guy i work with has asked me if i'm single. i gots a major crush on my boss though. i dont care that he's like 40. sexy motherfucker. ALSO I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M BLOGGING RIGHT NOW. there's tons of shit that need to be done. but i havent updated you guys in so long. not that any of you care. well i hope you care cause i'm slacking on that end. lost a few followers too - boohoo. ah well. & for the ones that wish to follow me; i mean if you REALLY wanna follow me cause i def took it off my blog. just go to your dashboard & under where it says "blogs" - it should be directly to the right of "items" under the "blogs i'm following" tab. under blogs or whatever you should see ADD. click that shit or whatever & just enter my URL. voila.

inteeways i shall add the pics whenever i upload them so keep checking back. i must pack now & wash my hair & flat iron it & do a lot of other shit cause yeah. . . busy week.

PICTURES. & yes nigga i took a pic of a pic. so what?

that's me in the middle, thugged out with my pearls.

really had the steve urkel sneaks on deck.

idk, you could never get me to smile in pics.

aww, widdo me. & apparently i scratched that woman in the face.
for trying to hold my hand.

also i was told my dad looks like a black comedian.
fuck you jerome.

oh but please believe there's more where this came from.
gotta rob my grandma for the rest.

quick update, folks.

2009-01-30T15:23:00.006-06:00

so today i had a job interview. ive been anticipating it all fuckin' week to the point where i could NOT sleep last night. i literally woke up at 3a & had to find something to do to burn time. lol crazy, i know. so anyways my sister comes to pick me up at around 9:45. she sits here for a while & we talk, etc etc. her bf also has an interview 'cept his is at 11a & mines is at 12p. so we drive to the place & my sister's bf is first up. i tell this nigga to let me know how it goes & what they ask. funny cause he was soo amped about the shit & super confident. while my ass is waiting in the car. . . nervous with mad butterflies. me & my sister decide to take pics while we wait for 11:45 to roll around lmao. again, burning time. so then time comes & i strut my short ass in the building. my sister's bf STILL hasnt come out. there's like six old ladies in there just chillen. I'M THE ONLY BLACK CHICK, KEEP IN MIND. that is until my sister's friend comes. bitch was mad late too, smh. but yeah. . . the group meeting goes smoothly and then he says he's gonna start the one-on-one interviews. butterflies rush back. but oddly enough, i was hella confident by now. only because the guy who was interviewing us was extraaa cool, crackin' jokes & everything. so that eased the tension i had built up. anyways i'm like the third person & he's only hiring half of the group. oh wait lemme back track, before we went in for the group interview my sister's bf came out - confident again telling me he was told to come back friday. i'm thinking cool he got the job. & he tells me he put in a word for me. happy as hell lol. anyhoots, i'm the third person & the two bitches before me clearly didnt get the job because they were mad as hell lmao. ah well, i walk in we're talking yadda ya. everything's going smoothe again! still crackin' jokes with me, flirting, the whole shabang. alright enough beating around the bush.

I GOT THE FUCKING JOB NIGGUH!

maaad excited right now. even though i slightly talked him into giving it to me lol. on some desperate puppy dog eyes shit, seriously. i havent had a job in almost three years, sad lol. but he's like he'll call me later on today & let me know when to come in tomorrow. shit still hasnt hit me yo. insane. oh & my sister's bf didnt get the job & i did lmaoo. apparently he wasnt dressed appropriately & the guy told him to come back next week. he was def hating on me in the car. ha!

on a bad note though, i have to remove my lip ring. RIP! but on a good note, it doesnt even matter cause it's all worth it. . . yup ;]

random pic of the day.

lol my three connect the dot moles.

ps. - i HAVE to thank my bitch jae for keeping me positive through out all of this. just like she said everything would go according. & sure enough it did. without her i probably wouldve been on some negative shit - like i always am, would've tanked & been sitting here broke forever! so yes, huge thanks go out to you jae. ily.<3

been a minute.

2009-01-19T01:17:00.007-06:00

ive had the stomach virus for some time now. since like thursday night. i think most of it is all gone though. i hope most of it is all gone. also, you guys might see me on the news pretty soon. i'm going to kill a woman. i dont know her though. why you ask? because she's been calling my phone for the past week claiming to have the wrong number. her excuse is me & her "fiance" have the same number except for the last two digits are backwards & she keeps getting them confused. what bitch? you dont distinctively know your man's number by now? i bet she thinks i'm sleeping with him. i know she does. the next time she calls, i should answer, moan a little. . . & say to no one "your fiance's calling again." then casually hang up. just to confuse the shit out of her. stupid tramp. anyways for the first time tonight i saw ocean's eleven. BOMB ASS MOVIE. never knew. i'm downloading the two sequels to it as well. god i suck at this whole blogging thing. hardly have any thing interesting to verbalize on. or pictures to post. i dont wanna blog about bullshit & fashion but that seems to be the rave. so we'll see. hey maybe i could go out, get a life & shit. might help. bwaha, imagine that.

but yer. . . my medicine is wearing off. i'ma head to bed. catch you guys later.

oh yeah, before i go. has anyone seen changeling?
i stopped it like ten minutes in; right before her son got snatched. is it worth the watch?

goddamnit.

2009-01-13T01:13:00.010-06:00

idk if any of you have seen it yet. . .
but this shit is delicious.

like everything - his facial expressions, the squeaky ass chair, the dancing,
THAT FUCKING SONG, his goddamn grin, how he cant say i'm sorry.
ive been watching it all day, i'm so serious.
funniest video evaaaar.

wait for 2:13, lmfaoo deep ass voice.
this guy is the definition of a creep.

lolol not when he folded the shirt.

YOURE WELCOME.

new title & other updates.

2009-01-07T13:27:00.012-06:00

thanks tesha boo.
be sure to follow her blogs!

but anyways. not that anyone cares but next weekend, not this weekend but the next, i'll be taking my ass up to indiana to see my father. for the first time since i was two or something. idk if all of my sisters are going yet but it'll be me, my twin sisters, & my youngest sister if everyone's down. eghk, four hour drive too. i really dont know what to expect. i'm nervous as hell like. . . at the back of my head i know i shouldnt be. because i dont really get nervous when it comes down to meeting people. but ehhh idk how to explain it. at the same time i dont really wanna go. i could bet all nine dollars in my bank account that as soon as we step in the door it'll be a big cheesy ass 'WELCOME HOME' sign with like all 500 of his relatives grinning in our face. i'm not ready for that shit. i dont know them niggas - sorry, my negative side will always speak first. i'm quiet as hell & i already know all those people will just put me out of my element. i'm not a talkative person. i dont like eleven hundred people in my face. how do i know everyone will be awaiting our arrival? - sinister laugh. first of all he lives in somewhat of a small ass town. EVERYBODY KNOWS EVERYBODY. this mother effer was on the phone with my younger sister the other day. & was doing a little shopping at some store. all of a sudden he's like "hey so&so." & starts talking to someone, then tells my sister i got your cousin here (?????) gone & speak to her. LMAO. its like what the fuck? you cant go to the store without your goddamn uncle leviticus being there? (not his name but you get the picture) i know i told yall how like when we first started talking to him. . . he was calling all his sisters, nieces, uncles, brothers, cousins, etc etc ON THREEWAY so they could talk to us. seriously every time he got on the phone. mad excited but it was so annoying. so just imagine when we get there. *deep breath*. & of course i'll be meeting my brother too. who's kinda strange but thats another topic in itself. i'll only be there for the weekend so let's hope he takes that into concideration. he just does the most. . . literally.

lol speak of the devil he's calling now.

but yezzuh. . . hopefully i'll come home with money for a blackberry bold, or all hell will be broketh looselay. |:

cheesecake factory.

2009-01-01T15:35:00.001-06:00

first time going. . .
any suggestions?

:]

testing.

2008-12-28T16:44:00.002-06:00

under construction.

shit looks terrible right now.
still editing so dont worry lmao.

blah, dont even know if i like this color scheme.

!@#$%^

2008-12-27T05:46:00.011-06:00

yo i really hope this woman calls me monday.
but most importantly, i hope i'm awake when she does.
here it is saturday & i'm already anticipating that shit.

know why?
CUS I'M STILL BROKE.

ps. - thinkin' about revamping my blog layout.
tired of looking at this black & gray. . .

got any ideas on a color scheme?

clearly i'm bored.

2008-12-19T05:21:00.010-06:00

OUCH, that is a pretty sure way to get his attention now.

how do i find this shit? seriously lmaooo.

i find this amusing.

this is gold.

i’ll have to agree with the person who wrote that little note.

who ever thought?

2008-12-17T02:34:00.015-06:00

brandy would make a comeback after 3204827 years of being MIA.
& literally shut shit down. amazing.
ahh, ive been a fan of brandy since i can remember.
so i wont say i'm surprised.

basically if you havent heard her CD, go buy it like now.
or download it. . . that works too.

- few of my faves not in any specific order [:
( trying really hard not to post every single song - shits THAT good. )
before you run off at the lip, pleaaaase listen to the lyrics |:

"the definition."

her new single - "right here (departed)."

"piano man."

"long distance."

probably my #1 fave only becus i'm in the same predicament.

"shattered heart."

"true."

def like a runner-up, loooove this song.

okay wow thats enough lol.
promise you'll love it after putting some of this shit on repeat.
cause yeah, album's been on repeat for a couple days.
no lie. . . her lyrics help me get out of the worst moods.

sorry guys.

2008-12-11T20:30:00.006-06:00

for being a little bitch on the updates. god, i just been on some other shit lately. a lot of stressful ass situations coming my way. but nothing i cant handle. sooo, wtf has been going on with me. i swear the only time i'm motivated to blog is when i'm pissed off or something lmao. terrible, eh? like i get on this bitch frequently & will just stare at my fucking blog like ugh. i literally have nothing to blog on. cus i dont wanna be repetitive & talk about the same wack ass bull over & over. anyways, i guess i could update you guys on the whole 'father' situation. to be honest i dodge his phone calls everytime he rings. my brother too. only becus he gets on the phone & asks the same goddamn questions. "got any kids?" like no motherfucker i havent gotten pregnant since last week when u asked.

its just to me, seems as if my dad is all talk. like from jump you feeding me bullshit? seriously? & that just turned me the fuck off. with even wanting to get to know him. i can already tell he'll only bring hope then heartbreak to the table. so to get around that i fall to the left.

uhhh, what else. relationship wise? still a ball of confusion but meh, you really dont want me to get into all that. blog liable to take up the whole front page. plus i aint in the mood to discuss him.

thanksgiving was cool. my mom cooked a shit load of food. & can you fucking believe my sister's baby daddy came over here & went home WITH A MOTHER FUCKING TRASHBAG FULL OF FOOD? then had the nerve to say "oh i'll be back tomorrow to get the rest." yoooo that pissed me off like crazy. for one, youre trifling nigga. then youre already a deadbeat piece of shit & youre basically taking food out your kids mouth. like nigga you are NOT apart of this family. fucking lowlife ass leech. this aint the goddamn homeless shelter. ugh. but yeah if you wanna know anything or have any irrelevant, random, or personal questions leave it in the comments. & i'll just add on to this blog or make another. cus i'm running out of shit to discuss.

oh & i fucking suck at updating a pic for the week. i knowz! but i already told ya niggas i'm the least motivated person you'll ever come in contact with. really though. buuut i promise promise promise i'll get better with it cus that shit is gay as fuck right now lmao. i think i have an obsession with my arm or something. no jokes :/

PS. - 40+ followers? suweeet. & thanks for even keeping up with my blog. honestly, it means a lot. for anyone to be interested in any of the shit i say is amazing to say the least.<33

i need. . .

2008-11-29T02:27:00.008-06:00

a reality check.

ive become such a slouch since ive graduated from high school. i have not reached a single one of my goals. and why? not even gonna bullshit you; there really isnt a reason. other than the fact that i'm lazy. & unmotivated. no one can motivate me either. that has to come from self and to be honest, i have no idea on how i'd get to that point. maybe this blog will be my wake up call. but i doubt it. shit is soo frustrating because i have BIG plans. & my life seems to be passing me by. . . day by day. ugh, its bedtime. later guys.

life goes on.

2008-11-24T02:12:00.001-06:00

people move on & in reality i don't give a fuck.

from now on, its all about me.

tagging & such.

2008-11-20T22:37:00.015-06:00

i'm super late but, little miss lareine decided to tag me.
sooo lets keep this moving.

the rules are as follows :
1. link the person that tagged you.
2. post the rules in your blog.
3. share 6 non-important things, habits, or quirks about yourself.
4. tag 6 others.

okay so i just told you who tagged me.
& posted the rules.

now onto the randoms.
- i like to doodle when i'm on the phone.
- i'm obsessed with painting my nails.
- i hit people when i'm laughing.
- i hate that people think everything is some kind of fucking conspiracy.
shit happens, life can be shit. no ones out to get you.
you might be down and depressed simply because you suck.
- i start itching really bad when i'm trying to fall asleep.
- why do i have to be on my period to be a bitch?
like forreal, you’ll get the same treatment when i’m off.
- i'm super, super paranoid.
everytime i walk out of my bedroom i think someone's waiting with a gun.
i'm not joking lmao.
- i once dreamt i was a lesbian & my girlfriend had elephantitis so her ass was mega huge & gross.
lol seriously why do i still remember that.
- i hate how porn is blocked unless you pay a monthly fee.
cant i watch some big booty ho's once in a while without paying a god damn price?
- can NOT stand people who dont brush their tongues.
clean that shit u bad breath motherfucker.

thats more than six but i do what i want.

okay who shall i tag, hmm.
for starters jae.
becus that bitch never updates her blogger.
lee you better do it too.
carmen! becus she's super fucking random.
& nini if she sees this shit lmao.

and uhh, idk who else. no one really fucks with me on here.
i guess if u wanna do this shit go ahead.
& link it back to me so i can read it.

enough of that though.
this weekend i'll probably go out of town.
& link up with a few people.

thennn hit up le gay club once again.
only because i love watching all the faggies vogue :]

got any plans this weekend?

to forgive & forget.

2008-11-13T20:37:00.028-06:00

so today was that day. the day ive been waiting on for so long. this is a touchy subject so hopefully i can get through this without shedding a few tears. i was woken up around four o'clock pm by my sister. she's holding a phone & there's this voice on the other end. that voice being my father. pretty much i was speechless. at the same time though i seen it coming.

let me back track for a second. earlier this week. . . maybe even last weekend - my only brother, who's 25, somehow got in contact with one of my sisters. ive never talked to him before & neither has any of my sisters. ive only seen one picture of him when he was about seven or so when i was younger. so i knew of him but didnt "know" him. my sister told me they talked. he pretty much told her all about him & wanted to know what was going on in our lives. we share the same dad. him, me, my twin sisters & my youngest sister. but unlike us - our father has been in his life. . . all his life. so yeah, him & my sister were talking back & forth for like two or three days.

crazy, right?

well today my sister comes in my room, wakes me up (phones on speaker) & tells me our "dad" is on the phone. first thought that goes through my mind was literally WHAT THE FUCK. i'm listening while they talk. it was so eerie because. . . he never forgot about us like we figured he did. he went on about how he hasnt forgotten our birthdays & there wasnt a day that went by when he didnt think about us. how he fought for us. how he knew that one day; we'd reunite. fuckit i'm just gonna be real & pretty much lay everything out there. its to the point where. . . the shit that he did doesnt hurt as much when spoken on. because i'm over it. he molested me & my sisters & was abusive to my mother. like on some ike & tina turner type shit. and i was maybe one or two. so thank god i dont remember any of it. what hurts the most though. TIL THIS DAY, he still denies everything. it eats me up inside & pisses me off that he's calling my mom a liar. because thats what he's doing by denying it. & to be honest i'm really torn. i know my mom wouldnt lie about that. something so serious & whats been my truth. . . all my life. now its like i'm confused. does he really deserve a second chance? lol he still calls me squirrel which was my nickname when i was younger. fuck, hereeee come the tears.

as we talked to him i could see the awkwardness, fear & anger in my mom's face. it wasnt the first time i heard his voice either. the first time was back in 2004. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE GOT OUR NUMBER. but out of the blue one day he calls us. cant remember too much about it but alls i know is him & my mom got into this BIG ass argument. her yelling "you know what you did." him calling her a liar. just crazy shit. he's trying so hard to make-up for the years he lost. claiming its not his fault. i just wish he would stop putting blame on the next person & be a man. . . fess up to the shit he did. he knows it was wrong. & so do we. i just, idk. i guess i need validation. i need to know that he's sorry. but i doubt that will ever happen. he was a real fucked up guy then. it sucks but no matter how much i denied him throughout the years. . . he is my father. always has been always will be.

& this is really getting to me. because a part of me genuinely. . . wants to love him. like is it really possible to forgive someone after all the confusion & hurt they've put you through? at the same time, i feel kinda complete with almost all my questions answered. he's talking about flying us up there to visit. & giving us the world. so cliche lol. dunno tho supposedly he has all this money. i dont hate him though. . . by any means.

just dont know where to go from here.

cus i'm gay.

2008-11-09T19:17:00.007-06:00

& shit like this touched me.

awww, i love them.<3
really cant believe they done it.

becus i'm not there & cant party with these bitches.
jae wanted to do something. . .
to show that i was still there in spirit. [ aww ]

lmao. who really plans out a signature pose to do.
only us! mhmmm.

& i will def be up there soon.
PROMISE.

so hard.

2008-11-03T00:23:00.033-06:00

this will probably be a lengthy blog but, i called myself blocking my ex out of my life like not even ten minutes ago. we pretty much got into it over the phone last night. i wont get into too much detail about everything thats been going on but i will say, this shit hasnt been easy. not even from day one. there were always problems that he 100% could have prevented. but chose not to for his own selfish reasons. at first, i wasnt even going to 'block' him. only reason i did is becus i'm the type to wait for someone to hit me up. i'll cut you off then as soon as you walk back into my life everything's peaches & cream. but i refuse to do that shit. at this point i want to rid myself of him, period. plus he's starting to do little shit to piss me off. which is a big inclination that i need to throw a red flag. were not even together though. havent been for months yet i still love him & little shit continues to make me mad. eventually i could get over it but its how he treats me when i have that mind set. like he's still pulling me back, leading me on, etc. & he'll be mad if i talked to someone else. so are we really just friends you know? i just need to be over him & THEN try being his friend.

i'll admit though i started it. like i still feel the need to make him jealous. & thats not the type of relationship i want. where i have to make you jealous to get some type of reaction out of you. ANY REACTION. i absolutely hate it. its so fucking sad. like i dont wanna be reduced to that. why does the man i love have to act that way towards me? its bullshit. i seriously need to rid myself of him. i just. . . dont wanna lose him. as much as i dread saying that its true. cus i really do love him. & we do have a good thing. outside of the arguments & the other guys/girls in the picture. which initially is the reason for the arguments. it fucking sucks cus he wants to do him right now & its basically like. . . where does that leave me? on the back burner, right? fuck outta here yo. i can not wait on him. as much as my hearts telling me to i can not do it. which makes it clear that i'm NOT okay with just being his "friend". because shit that he does wouldn't matter to me if that was the case. and guys will be guys. because of what we USED to have. . . the feelings are still going to linger regardless. he's still gonna act all pissy when i talk to other people just like i act that way with him. i know this. but there is absolutely nothing i can do to stop it. i just need time without talking to him because that way i can move on. because if not, it will continue to cause other problems & deep rooted issues along with unwanted insecurities.

'cept i keep giving in & answering his phone calls, blocking him, then answering his calls. shit will never end. i keep this up & i wont get anywhere other than where i am right now. at this. . . fucking. . . second.

but yo you really do not understand the type of dude he is. i seriously thought i had them all figured out. NO SIR. see i'm the type of girl that needs validation. especially if i'm telling you how i feel. or even when i'm not. but him? he's the type of dude that has a huge wall up for absolutely no reason. so he refuses to express how he's feeling. well no he has reason. . .
just not with me.

in the end though i know the only reason why im settling for a friendship is because i know i need out. i just dont wanna lose him. now imagine how hard it is to actually come to terms with the fact that i HAVE to bounce. . . and actually doing it? fucking heartbreaker. but i know shit will be sooooo much better when that happens. i think the two of us are just USED to each other, so we get annoyed easily. the things he does get to me, and the things i do get to him. with time apart it gives us both the chance to really think about what we MISS. time is the BEST medicine, fuck what you heard. time is the only thing that really HEALS.

but ugh i'm trying so hard to avoid what it really is i need to do. & thats move on from him. i talk a lot of shit but deep down, its so hard. i keep trying to hold onto something that in all honesty - is no longer there. out of fear of losing what WAS there at one point. i know if i continue to stick around though, i'll only be screwing myself out of happiness. i'm in such a vulnerable position right now that its sickening. if he said he wanted to be with me. . . i'd without a doubt take it. or if he said he didn't wanna talk to me anymore. . . i'd bounce. he's got advantage over the situation and that's what time will help CHANGE. & thats my biggest problem. he got me so fucked mentally to the point where i dont know whats right or wrong anymore. what to take & what not to take. i just have to remember time is really all i need at this point. and that if things are meant to happen the way i want them to. . . they will. without force. with time.

alright i'm done sounding like a whiny ass bitch.
until next time. . . thanks for reading.

photography.

2008-10-30T21:30:00.013-05:00

i dont know why but, the smallest things strike my interest. . .
& i have to photograph it.
here's some strange shit i've photographed.

[ click the pics for HQ & full size ]

fake pedals from a rose i received.
didnt really know what to do with it so i came up with those.
pretty simple. . . & no my arm really isnt that hairy; fucking shadows ;[

ice cream cone that i thought was super cute lmao.

some fruit i was eating.
yummm.

MAC eyeshadows of course.

fried ice cream blast from sonic.

yeah, i swear i'm weird as hell but hey - guess i have a crazy little 'eye'.
dont get me wrong tho this is just little shit i do when i'm bored.
& sitting around the house with literally nothing else to do lol.

i'm more so into expressive photography.
pictures that tell a story, you know?

also, a few [ def not all ] of my favorite photographers.
some of you may know them; some may not.
anyways. . . just check 'em out. ;]

Chrissie White
Lara Jade
Mehmet Turgut
Sabine Fischer

k bye!

STALKERS.

2008-10-24T13:00:00.004-05:00

are the worst. seriously. especially if you have two babies & two baby mommas, youre constantly asking why i wont talk to you, have to ask why i blocked you on MYSPACE lmao, you pop up everywhere i go [ creep ] or cant even get a fucking hi out of my ass. then ESPECIALLY if youre gang affiliated. like dude. . . youre pretty much worthless at this point. you couldnt do shit for me even if i wanted you to. & it doesnt help that youre unattractive too. btw, dont think being persistent will one day get you some ass. that shit dont work. it'll only make you look desperate. as if you dont already. now as i type this - that very stalker is breathing down my neck. . . help?

ps. - running is not an option. ;[

venting & shit.

2008-10-16T21:36:00.014-05:00

kinda bored, at my sisters house right now. everyone's sleep & i'm in the mood to blog. so. . . i really dont know where to begin but i guess i could start with how i'm feeling right now. being lonely slash single sucks ass. for now anyways. it alwaaaays starts out like this. it fucking urks me. & i get on some fuckeveryniggaisee type shit. its like i know i dont wanna be in a relationship. but at the same time i fucking crave that feeling. i guess feeling like youre genuinely wanted by someone. & i know just about everyone can relate in some kinda way.

but my whole thing with relationships, see. i feel as if theyre all a waste of time. at this point in my life anyways. holdon let me finish lol. all the shit really does is prepare you for the person youre gonna spend the rest of your life with, right? & i know damn well i'm not ready to "settle down" yet. i got sooo much more living & soul searching to do before i give my all to just one guy. i mean, ive ran across a few potential hopefuls. not really a few - more like one. & i could def see myself being with him & only him. but my priorities are majorly fucked right about now. the last thing on my mind is marrying some sucka. & like people should know whether or not the person theyre with. . . is 'hubby' or 'wifey' material. it may take a while but at some point you know. & i see it like this, there's either one of two things going on if otherwise. one, youre just looking for someone to kick it with, shoot the shit with, or just be laid up with. thats cool & all but its still a waste of time. especially when feelings get involved. waste of time for whoever youre with. by all means though if thats what you need to cope. . . do you. or two; youre 100% settling w/ that person. if youre not planning on being with someone forever, etc then yeah i feel as if youre settling. which is def a character flaw w/ some people. they feel as if they HAVE to be with someone. which is why most people go back to their ex. its kinda like a comfort zone. they know at some point that person wanted them. & hopefully still does.

to be honest though i'm starting to hate labels. so over that shit. i wanna be able to just. . . kick it with a guy i'm feeling. no titles, no expectations, nothing. only problem is, i'm a jealous & possessive ass chick. & that causes problems. so its hard for me to be completely platonic with someone. i fall for people & for all the wrong reasons. like i said my priorities are fucked. i'm feeling this way one day then that way the next.

the only thing on my mind right now is money. i just know i need a goddamn job. this one place emailed me. but i wont get too excited just yet lmao. cross your fingers for me though. cus a bitch has been broke for too long.

who does that.

2008-10-13T09:11:00.002-05:00

i swear everything is telling me to just say fuck it all & give up.

the shit i put up with. . .

on another note.
i need new friends.
like really bad.

male & female, preferably male though.

for starters.

2008-10-12T18:43:00.000-05:00

when will i learn. ugh, i'm so frustrated with myself. & my emotions for one. i swear ive turned into someone ive most likely made fun of in the past. like i really dont know how it all began. alls i know is i'm waiting for the end. the end being - when everything goes back to normal. . . when i no longer feel like a part of me is absent. in retrospect; when i'll no longer be the keeper of a broken ass heart. and i know everyone goes through it. but not me. . . not in a million years would i have seen this coming. i'm speechless. regretful almost. but if i could go back, & do it all over again, i would in a heartbeat. reason being i'm a better person because of it. i can honestly say he taught me how to love. for the first time in my life i realize what i want in a man. & also what i dont want. those kinda people are def hard to come by. & thats what makes this particular 'heart break' so special. the hard thing about it though. after all the pain ive been through. . . i still hold on to what was. maybe one day hoping everything we felt before - will revert. maybe i'm being naive. maybe i'm not. but who's to say really. in a way i think i'm still holding on. . . becus a part of me feels he's 100% irreplaceable. & these feelings will never reoccur for another. thats my biggest fear. cliche yet its almost like i'm losing my soulmate? idk but it hurts like hell. its hard letting go under those circumstances. even though i dont know whats to happen between us, i will never forget him. maybe even the first person i'll cherish forever. but hopefully not the last. i'm rambling now so i'll leave you with this:

what doesnt kill you. . . only makes you stronger.
this is by far the most annoying yet truthful quote to date.